Marry Jane

Here’s a poem I was working on last night for a future poem project i’m trying to publish feed back is extremely CRUCIAL and id appreciate it 😀

Marry Jane

Toked By: James Revels III

I said “Hi”

She replied high

I asked “What’s your name?”

She glanced low & high,

then eye to eye,

replied “My name is Jane.”

As fine as wine

a curved design,

that rolls like winding smoke.

She’s mine. Aligned,

like stars in skies,

Merry Jane is mine alone

or so I thought

Almost forgot

that Jane; She liked to share,

but I don’t care.

I’m not ashamed,

to say “I’d marry Jane”

21 thoughts on “Marry Jane

  1. line six, does that ‘replied’ seem to fit well, in your opinion? cool poem. I’d like to also ask, did you mean it to say Merry Jane in line 12? You know what else? Even though it is a cool poem, you created an intensity in the romance by using short phrasing, and I wonder, what would the poem be like if you lengthened the phrases, and that would give you room to explain the shocking ending of sharing your Marry Jane? Are you looking to keep your poem urban crude, which is cool, or do you want to change it for the subject matter? I like your poem, it is kind of funny and surprising and well written. I do think you have the talent to go deeper.

    1. I liked the style of the poem, the repetitive use of the word “Hi/high” in the first 4 lines, the flow of words were short and succinct. You painted an image in my mind’s eye of a brief encounter which had an everlasting impact, similar to Rihanna and Drake video “What’s My Name?”. The rhythm and pattern of your words flow “as fine as wine, a curved design, that rolls like winding smoke”. You’ve obviously spent time and effort on not only the content, words and rhyme but also as to how the written word looks on paper or in print. Each stanza is almost like a haiku and you have captured a good story.

    2. One, when I wrote it replied made sense was looking for something to rhyme with high and slight repetition. Yes that merry was on purpose and the poem was intended to be written in short, tercets. It’s a great idea adding details of the betrayal portion just didn’t want poem to get too long. Thanks for reading I appreciate the feedback. Anymore questions?

  2. Minxipoetess

    I love the way you play with words, was expecting more. It seemed to end so abruptly. How about lengthening your piece maybe? It’s well written.

  3. dbgb1986

    Eliminate “that rolls like winding smoke,” and you take it from a straight A to an A PLUS! But either way, you got talent! MUCH RESPECT, AND PROPS

      1. dbgb1986

        Yes, the imagery is good, but using “like” and “as” means it’s just like any other poem. The rest of the poem is 100% unique. But either way, I still give it an A, and it’s only my opinion, and I’m clearly outmatched. Anyways, you asked for ideas, so I shared mine. Keep up the good work! You have a lot of talent!

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